A Series of Unfortunate Events
by RogueRebel-501
Summary: You all know the tale of the Baudelaire children, but what you don't know is that there was an additional, one whose life was more unfortunate than the Baudelaire orphans. Follow the unfortunate adventure of Fia Olaf as she goes along with the Baudelaire orphans as they try to decipher what VFD is and who the mysterious LS is on her birth certificate.
1. Chapter 1

The Bad Beginning: Part 1

If you are interested in stories with happy endings, then you would be better off somewhere else. In this story, not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning, and very few happy things in the middle. I feel it is my part to bring to light the true story of the Baudelaire children. But you in the audience have no such obligation, and I would advise all readers to switch to another fanfiction on this website. I see you are still reading this...so I must warn you...this story will be dreadful, melancholy and calamitous, a word which according to Klaus means 'dreadful and melancholy'. That is because not very many happy things happened in the lives of the Baudelaires. And I should know, because I was there to witness this series of unfortunate events unfold. How rude of me to never introduce myself, my name is Fia Olaf...and this is our story.

Violet, Klaus and Sunny were intelligent children. Charming and resourceful, they had pleasant facial features, but they were extremely unlucky. Most everything that happened to them was rife with misfortune, misery and despair. I'm sorry to tell you this...but that's how the story goes.

"Briny Beach, Please," Violet told the driver

The Baudelaire family lived in an enormous mansion at the heart of a dirty and busy city, and one day the parents rather unexpectedly asked their children to take a rickety trolley alone to the seashore.

"I wonder why Mother and Father didn't want to come with us." Klaus wondered

"Maybe they don't like this rickety trolley," Violet reasoned

'Rickety' is a word here which means 'unsteady' or 'likely to collapse at any moment'.

"Hey, kids! Aren't you going to the Festice Fun Fair," the trolley driver asked "with all the jolly rides and games and snacks? 'Festice' means 'fun',"

"We know what 'festive' means," Klaus told him

"Thank you, but it's a perfect morning to go to the beach," Violet said

"It's gray and cloudy," The driver said

"That's what makes it perfect,"

"Suit yourself,"

When Briny Beach was hot and sunny, the seashore was crowded with tourists and it was impossible to find a good place to lay one's blanket. On gray and cloudy days, the Baudelaires had the beach more or less to themselves, so they could work together on their projects and experiments.

"Are you ready?" Violet asked

"Let's get to work," Klaus said

"Do you think this will be as good as the mailbox?"

"I think this will be even better than the mailbox,"

Violet Baudelaire was the eldest Baudelaire child. She was 14 years old, right-handed, had a real knack for inventing and building unusual devices. When Violet Baudelaire tied her hair up, it was a sure sign that the pulleys, levers and gears of her inventing mind were working at top speed.

"Klaus, at what angle are the prevailing currents?" Violet asked her brothers as she tied her hair up.

"The angle of the prevailing currents…" Klaus rattled off as he read from his book

Klaus Baudelaire was the middle child and only boy. He was a little older than 12 and wore glasses, which made him look intelligent.

"Of course, we still need the right projectile," Klaus informed as he closed the book

He was intelligent.

"Sunny, do we have the right projectile?" Violet asked as she held up a rock

Sunny Baudelaire was an infant, a word which here means 'a person of the age at which one mostly speaks in a series of unintelligible shrieks', so most people had trouble understanding what she was saying.

"Can you find a rock that's not sandstone?" Sunny babbled

What Sunny lacked in communication skills, however, she made up for with the size and sharpness of her four teeth.

"That's perfect, Sunny. Thank you," Violet prepared to throw the rock

"Excuse me, Violet but why are you using your left hand?" Klaus voiced

"I'm curious to see if I can skip the rock as far with my left as I can with my right,"

"I don't mean to criticize, but standard scientific method calls for stable systematics. You should use your standard right-handedness,"

"That does seem reasonable,"

"I agree," Sunny babbled as Violet skipped the rock.

"Klaus, what's that thing Einstein said?"

"'The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science'," Klaus quoted

"And what's that thing James Brown said?"

"'I got something that makes me want to shout',"

I've got something that tells me what it's all about.

Violet pulled a switch and a machine whirred to life and picked up the rock that had sunk to the bottom and returned it to Violet's palm.

"I'm super bad!" Violet and Klaus exclaimed

"It worked," Violet said

"I never expected otherwise,"

Yes, the invention worked. This would be a perfect time to leave and pretend the rest of the story was just as happy and successful.

"I just wish Mother and Father had seen it," Violet explained

"It's not like them to send us off on our own so unexpectedly," Klaus said

"Who's that mysterious figure?" Sunny gasped as a man walked towards them, continuously coughing.

Certainy, I wish I could go back and change the history of the Baudelaires at this very moment, rather than the descent into misery, tribulation and...dire inconvenience which will occur shortly.

"It only seems scary because of all the mist," Klaus explained

"It's Mr. Poe," Violet realized

"From the bank? What's he doing here?"

"How do you do?" The Baudelairs asked Mr. Poe

"Fine, thank you," Mr. Poe coughed

"It's a nice day," Violet said

"It is a nice day." Mr. Poe agreed "I have some very bad news for you children. Your parents have perished in a terrible fire." Violet dropped the stone she was holding "They perished in a fire that destroyed your entire home. I'm very, very sorry to have to tell you this...my dears. 'Perished' means 'killed',"

"We know what 'perished' means," Klaus told him

"Hey," Mr. Poe told Sunny

It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus and Sunny felt in the time that followed. If you have ever lost somebody very important to you, then you already know how it feels. And if you haven't...you cannot possibly imagine it.

"I've never been through anything like this myself, but I can imagine just how you feel." Mr. Poe told the Baudelairs as they examined they're destroyed house. "I did think you'd want to see what remains of your home, even though it is…" he sighed "more or less, um…"

"It's all gone," Violet said

"I just want to assure you Baudelaires that you have absolutely nothing…"

"We have absolutely nothing," Klaus repeated

Mr. Poe sighed "...to worry about,"

Sunny gasped "What's that?"

"I am the executor of your parents' estate, which means I'll be handling all matters concerning everything they left behind."

Klaus picked up a spy glass "What did they leave behind?" Violet asked

"Financial security. Your parents left behind an enormous fortune, which will be yours when Violet comes of age. Until then, you will be placed with the proper guardian, or guardians, as decided by myself and my fellow bankers at Mulctuary Money Management," Mr. Poe cleared his throat, causing the Baudelaires to look up at him as he signalled it was time for them to leave. Mr. Poe opened the back car door "Say goodbye, Baudelaires,"

"Goodbye," Violet said as Mr. Poe drove them away.

"Until we've identified your designated guardian, you'll stay with my family. That's not so bad, is it, Baudelaires? I'm sure you'll become fast friends with Edgar and Albert,"

"It's a raven," Edgar said

"It's a crow!" Albert argued

"It's a raven,"

"It's a crow!"

"It's chicken." Mrs. Poe declared "Boiled chicken. And we have boiled potatoes and blanched string beans,"

"What does 'blanched' mean?"

"It means 'boiled'," Klaus replied

"Nobody asked you,"

"Now, now, son," Mr. Poe said

"No, my darling, Albert is right. Nobody asked the Baudelaires," Mrs. Poe said as she took out the newspaper "But honey look,"

"Dearest, maybe not in front of the children,"

"But I thought it would cheer them up, the little Gloomy Guses. I had my star reporter write an article for the front page so that everyone will know your home was destroyed and you're orphans now. The front page! Some people wait a lifetime for that. And darling, look...you're mentioned, too!" she handed him the newspaper

"'Generosity shown by prominent member of the banking community',"

"If your bosses at the bank see this, it may spell P-R-O-M-A-T-I-O-N!"

"Promation?"

"Promotion!"

"No, that's not how you spell 'promotion',"

"Promotion,"

"P-R-O…"

"P-R-R…"

"P-R-O-M-A-E-O...See? I've been saying it…"

"Honey, P-R-R...Listen to what I'm saying…"

"I'm sorry,"

"...before you start speaking! P-R-O…

"I don't...feel very hungry," Klaus said causing the two to stop arguing "May we go to our rooms?"

"'Rooms'?" Mr. Poe coughed

"Good night, Edgar," Mr. Poe said

"Good night, Albert," Mrs. Poe said as she highfived him and they switched sides.

"Good night, Albert," Mr. Poe higfived him as well

"Good night, Edgar. And good night, guests." She looked down at the Baudelaires on the floor "you must feel terrible, and you must miss your parents very much,"

"We do," Violet said

"You do what? Say it,"

"We feel terrible, and we miss our parents very much," Klaus said

Mrs. Poe sighed deeply "That's gonna make a wonderful headline,"

"Good night, Baudelaires." Mr. Poe said from the stairs "Remember, our home is your home,"

"But don't touch anything,"

"How'd you do it?" Edgar asked sitting up in his bed

"Do what?" Violet asked

"Set the fire,"

"Chop-chop, Baudelaires!" Mr. Poe said "Now that I've found you a suitable guardian, I'm going to take you to your new home before banking hours begin," he led them into the car "I know you must be nervous about living with a guardian. I remember how I was when I was your age,"

"We're all different ages," Klaus stated

"Well, I should think at least a fraction of your unhappiness will turn to excitement when you meet this man. I know he's certainly very eager to meet you. And he's employed as an actor, so you know his excitement is genuine, and he has a daughter around your age, Klaus. His name is Count Olaf,"

"Never heard of him," Violet declared

"He's either...Let's see. What is it? Your third cousin fourth time removed, or your fourth cousin three times removed. In any case, he's removed. Still, he's only three miles away, and your parents' will was very specific about your being raised by your closest living relative,"

"Does he really think that's what 'closest living relative' means?" Klaus asked Violet

"Mr. Poe?" Violet asked

"Hmm?" Mr. Poe acknowledged

"If he lives so close by, why didn't our parents ever invite him over?"

"Possibly because he was very busy. As a banker, I'm often very busy myself. Which is why this guardian drop-off is going to be bit hasty. 'Hasty' means 'quickly', because I'm due at the bank soon,"

"We know what 'hasty' means," Klaus told him

"Hello there! Salutations! Shalom! You must be the Baudelaire children!" a woman greeted

"Yes, I'm Violet Baudelaire, and this is my brother, Klaus, and this is my sister, Sunny," Violet introduced "And this is Mr. Poe. He's been arranging things for us,"

"Mulctuary Money Management. My name and title are on the card." Mr. Poe explained as he handed her a card "Although I may be in line for a promotion, so that might change,"

"Oh, well, I am Justice Strauss of the High Court." she introduced "Forgive my not shaking hands, but as you can see, I am a mountain of parcels. I just bought a new toolkit because my food processor broke. Although I don't know who I think I'm kidding, because I have no inventive or mechanical skill whatsoever. Then I treated myself to new file cards for my private library, and frankly I don't have an acute literary sense. And then, to top it all off, I forgot to buy a new bread knife. It means I have no possible way of cutting up this baguette into bite-sized pieces, which is really unfortunate because I was gonna take the bread that was cut up with a white bean hummus…"

"We'd be more than happy to be of assistance, Justice Strauss." Klaus interrupted "My sister is very mechanically minded, and I'm quite adept at library science,"

"I'd also be happy to help," Sunny babbled

"What my sister means is her teeth are perfect for slicing bread," Violet translated

Justice Strauss gasped "Well, how wonderful! How lucky am I to have such unusual children in my life?"

"Are yo Count Olaf's wife?" Klaus asked

"What? Oh! Oh, no! No. No. Goodness me, no. No, I don't even really know him that well. He's...he's just my neighbor. His house is over there," she pointed across the street.

Mr. Poe rang the doorbell but received no response "That's strange. He said specifically he was waiting very eagerly to get his hands on you," he rang the doorbell again.

"Hello. No. Hello. Hello, hello, hello. Hello. Hello," locks rattled and the door opened revealing Count Olaf "Hello, hello, hello, children. I am Count Olaf, the renowned actor and your new guardian. You're welcome,"

"Thank you," Violet said unsurely.

"You're welcome," Olaf repeated "Please, come in, and mind you wipe your feet on the mat so you don't track in any mud. And don't forget your enormous fortune!" he led them inside "Welcome to my humble home, orphans." he was about to close the door when Mr. Poe entered "And...a man with a hat on,"

"Poe." Mr. Poe introduced

"Actually, i'm about to be rather wealthy. So if you'll excuse me…"

"No, we spoke on the phone. I'm from Mulctuary Money Management," he presented Olaf with his card.

"Hmm. 'Money' sounds familiar, but…"

"The bank. I'm from the bank,"

"Ah, yes, the bank." he took the card "Well, welcome to my humble home,"

Mr. Poe began coughing "It does seem to need a little work,"

"Well, I realize it's not as fancy as the Baudelaire mansion, but perhaps, children, with a bit of your money, we'll be able to fix it up, make it nicer,"

"Count Olaf, the Baudelaire fortune is not to be used for such matters. The Baudelaire will is very specific as to how the children are to be raised in case of an unfortunate event,"

"Ah, yes, the fire,"

"They're to be raised by their closest relative,"

"That is I, Count Olaf,"

"And every cent of the Baudelaire fortune it locked up until Violet comes of age,"

"Which one is Violet?"

"The eldest,"

Count Olaf growled "All right, then." he inhaled deeply "Well, I hope I can prove myself to be the father you never had,"

"We had a father," Klaus said

"Yes, I know. And a mother. Remarkable woman. Flammable. So, Poe, do I need to sign for them or something?"

"What? No. No," Mr. Poe said

"Well, then, as we say in the theater, exit stage right,"

"Goodbye, Violet. Goodbye, Klaus. Goodbye, Sunny. I hope you'll be happy here. I'll still check in on you occasionally. If you need anything or have questions, you can reach me at the bank," Count Olaf closed the door and threw the card to the ground.

"Well, children, before I give you a tour of your new home, aren't you going to say 'How do you do?' to your new guardian?"

"How do you do?" Violet asked

Count Olaf grunted "How do I do? Better and better, Baudelaires. Better and better,"

The dredful villainy of this vile fiend has haunted me since I was born. Everynight, I find myself weeping thinking of his utter wickedness and sever lack of theatrical talent.

"Do you know what this is?" Count Olaf asked as he tossed down a paper

"It looks like a list," Klaus noted

"Wrong! It's a list. A list of chores. Rich brats like you are proably spoiled rotten and have never done a chore in your life," Count Olaf said as he rolled the paper back up.

"Actually, we often help around the house," Violet corrected

"Really?" Count Olaf mocked "Did you help around the house? That's great," his voice returned to normal "Well, welcome to your lucky life." Count Olaf looked up at the stairs "Fia!"

"Yes father," a voice called out as she walked down the stairs

"Come with me, Fia will show you the delightful features of your home." although he said brunette would show them around, Count Olaf followed the group and explained the rooms. "This is the kitchen, where you may help yourselves to meals. I expect you to keep everything gleamingly clean,"

"Gleamingly?" Klaus questioned

"Clean," Olaf added "The stove is a bit like a servant. You have to whack it sometimes to get it to work. This is the library, which you will keep well-dusted. This where I do all my reading. I don't use the ballroom at all. You'll have to redo the floors. Laundry room. You can hang my underwear on that rack when you're done washing it. This is the backyard, which needs weeding, mowing and pruning. It is also where you will chop wood. Bathroom number seven, the only one you are allowed to use. It has all the usual amenities, though the management regrets to inform you that the shampoo is not tear-free. If anything, it encourages tears. Rats bite. And this is where you will sleep, orphans. Out of all the numerous bedrooms in this enormous mansion, I have chose this one for your safety and comfort,"

"I sleep here," Fia told him quietly

"As you can see, I have provided, at no cost to you, this complimentary pile of rocks. Thoughts? "

"Thoughts? First of all…" Klaus began

"First of all, first impressions are often wrong," Violet interrupted

"Very true. For example, your first impression of me may be that I am a terrible person. But it time, Baudelaires, I hope you'll come to realize you haven't the faintest idea." Olaf headed for the door "I'll give you a moment to unpack," Fia walked towards the door as it closed and faced the orphans.

"It's okay, he's gone," she told them

"That's your father?" Violet asked. The brunetted nodded.

"He's horrible. Did you see the tattoo on his ankle,"

"A tattoo is just a decorative pigment on skin," Violet told him "It's not a sign of a wicked person,"

"Unless it's on a wicked person," Fia said "Which it is,"

"How could our parents put us here?" Klaus shouted

"It's a mistake." Fia told him "I'm certain, it'll get sorted out,"

Violet nodded at the girl and looked at her brother "Until then, we'll make this our home,"

"Mother used to say, 'Home is where you hang your hat.' But we don't have any hats. Just rocks," Klaus said

"Klaus, have you read any books on people who make homes in difficult places?" Violet asked him.

"There's a village in the Pacific Islands suspended on ropes above an active volcano,"

"How did they manage?" Fae asked him quietly

"They own very little in case it erupts,"

"Then we're already one step ahead," Violet said "We own nothing,"

Fae looked at the trio "If they can survive that, you can survive my father,"

"We all can," Violet said smiling up at her. Fae smiled as well, but it was shortlived when the door swung open and her father came in holding a mop and bucket.

"Showtime!" Count Olaf exclaimed as he led the group to the bathroom "Remember, if you work extra hard, you get to go to the ball...room...which is even grimier. Hang on to your toothbrushes. You'll need them for your teeth," the doorbell chimed and Fae stood up. "Stay here. And not a peep," the door slammed shut and Fae noticed the Baudelaires look down at the toothbrushes.

Count Olaf opened the front door to reveal Justice Strauss, holding a plate of cooked lamb. "You're a little old for a Girl Scout," he claimed

"I'm Justice Strauss," she greeted

"Doesn't ring a bell,"

"I'm your neighbor. I...I live across the street,"

"You've done something different to your hair,"

"May I come in?"

"Is this about the children? I apologize for the noise. I told them to cry using their inside voices,"

"What?"

"Hmm?"

"I...I just thought I'd stop by and see how they're doing. I know it's a little soon, but I'm about to become very busy with a difficult case in High Court. I'm not supposed to talk about it, but I can tell you that it involved an illegal use of someone's credit card...and a poisonous plant." she held out the plate "I made them this lamb,"

Count Olaf moved outside, closing the door behind him "How neighborly,"

"I don't mean to seem like a lonely woman who's overinvested in the lives of someone else's children…"

"You do have that aura,"

She held up the plate again "Perhaps if I just pop in for a quick hello-"

"Now is not a good time. They're in one of their moods." he shuddered

"They seemed so sweet,"

"Do you have children, Justice Strauss?"

"Me?" she shook her head "Oh, no. No. No, I always hoped I would, but I'm married to the law, and you can't very well have book babies…now, can you?"

"Well, you dodged a bullet. Let me tell you, those children are monsters. I open my home to them, and all they do is complain. 'The bathroom is filthy. The rat is noisy. The bed is cramped.' I think living in a mansion has spoiled them,"

"Well, they did just lose their-Did you say 'bed'?"

"I meant 'bed' as in 'more than one bed,' obviously. The plural of 'bed' is… 'bed',"

"Well, I wouldn't know. I live alone,"

"No kidding," he grimaced as he opened the front door and headed inside.

Justice Strauss wasn't giving up as she held up the plate again "At least give them the lamb. I made my own mint jelly and...Please, just ask them if they'd like to see me,"

Count Olaf sighed "Fine. But wait here, for your own safety. They tend to throw things," he grabbed the lamb and closed the door.

The children were cleaning the bathroom with the toothbrushes provided when the door opened again. Count Olaf held the lamb up as he pointed to a random spot in the bathroom "You missed a spot," he tore off a piece of lamb with his teeth and ate it in front of them, closing the door once more.

Count Olaf opened the front door again, startling Justice Strauss "They don't want to see you," Count Olaf told her as he put the bone onto the plate.

"Are you sure? What did they say?" she asked

"'The lamb was too salty.'" Count Olaf claimed as he picked at his teeth and began closing the door again "Rich kids,"

"Oh...I see,"

If only Justice Strauss had been able to get past Count Olaf, if only she'd seen us in our horrible circumstances, if only this world weren't such a wicked and topsy-turvy place...this story might have turned out differently.

Violet sighed as she sat on the bed, Klaus following shortly after, still holding a toothbrush. "I never wanna use a toothbrush again," Klaus said.

The Door opened and the children all stood up startled as Count Olaf walked in "Why aren't you cleaning? My list was very specific,"

"We finished it," Fia told him as she handed over the list.

"No, you didn't," he said as he took the list

"We even washed your underwear,"

"You missed one." he showed the children the back "You still have to prepare a large meal for myself and my theater troupe," Fia took a step back

"We don't know how to prepare a large dinner," Violet said

"Plan the menu, purchase the ingredients, prepare the food, set the table, serve dinner, clean up afterward, and stay out of our way,"

"How can we purchase anything? We don't have any money," Klaus said

Count Olaf sighed as he took out a money pouch "Do you know what that is?"

"Something greasy," Violet claimed

"Money. Hard-earned money. The most important substance on earth besides applause and lip balm. Since the bossy banker won't let us use any of your parents' enormous fortune, I am now forced to cough up my own earnings from theatrical performances and the occasional bit of consulting work. Now...quick. Get a move on. The troupe will be here at 7:00. And in the meantime, I will be up in...can you guess?"

"Your secret tower room?" Fia replied

"Wrong!" her father shouted "My secret tower room. Which you are forbidden to go into. Understood? Forbidden!"

"Forbidden," Fia repeated

"That's...yes," Count Olaf left the room and slammed the door.

"That was dismaying," Sunny babbled as the Baudelaire's sat on the bed and Fia fell to the floor.

"How are we supposed to make dinner for an entire theater troupe?" Klaus asked

"We start with a recipe,"

"Do you think Justice Strauss' library has any cookbooks?" Violet asked

Fia yelped when a newspaper hit her head. The newspaper falling to the floor revealing the headline reading 'Baudelaires Safe and Sound At Home Of Famous Actor'. The Baudelaires' sighed and headed downstairs, Fia followed but then they headed to the door and she stopped. "Aren't you coming?" Violet asked

Fia looked sheepishly at the ground "He's never let me out of the house," she whispered. Klaus walked up to her and held out his hand "You can trust us," she smiled softly and took his hand and they headed across the street.

Klaus rang the doorbell and Justice Strauss answered the door. "Baudelaires." she gasped "I wasn't expecting to see you,"

"We meant to come sooner. We've been cleaning," Violet told her

"Yes, Count Olaf told me you were very particular about that. I hope you appreciate how much he's doing for you,"

"I wouldn't say 'much'," Fia muttered causing Justice Strauss to notice her.

"And who might you be?"

"My name's Fia Olaf. I'm Count Olaf's daughter,"

"Oh. What can I do for you?"

"Actually, Justice Straus, we really need your help," Violet told her

"You do?"

"My sisters, Fia and I were wondering…" Klaus started

"Wondering what?"

"If we might use your libary,"

"If you might use my library," realizing what Klaus was asking she led the children through her house to the back yard. "Is there any book you're looking for in particular?"

"A cookbook, so we can make dinner," Violet said

"I suppose anything but lamb." the children looked at each other confused "Well, my private library is open to you whenever you'd like. It's mostly law books, but there are sections on everything from Italian cuisine to the world's most threatening fungus." she opened the door to another building, sighing happily "I suppose it's not as nice as the libraries you're used to, but…"

"It's marvelous," Fia murmered as she looked around

"It's wonderful," Klaus agreed

"Do you really think so?"

"Magnificent," Sunny squeaked

"That means she likes it," Violet translated

"Well, I'm so glad. The cookbooks are over there in Section G," Violet set Sunny down on a chair "and right here is my favorite table for serious research," Justice Strauss continued "Do you have a paper and pencil to take notes?"

"Always," Klaus told her as he reached into his pocket. Fia noticed him take out an interesting object.

"What's that?" she asked

"It's something my parents had,"

"What is it?"

"I don't know,"

"Hmm," Justice Strauss took it from him "Something, Klaus Baudelaire, is ringing a very faint bell. A library is like an island in a vast sea of ignorance. Don't you agree?"

"I do. Particularly if the library is tall and the surrounded area has been flooded,"

"That's a very good point," seeing Klaus and Justice Strauss getting along well, Fia went over to Violet to help look for a cookbook.

"These books look promising," Violet told Fia as she handed her a few.

"Klaus, help your sister and Fia. Let me see what I can find here,"

Fia pointed to a recipe as Klaus walked over "I think I found something. Pasta puttanesca,"

"I wonder what that means in Italian," Klaus wondered

"All we have to do is saute garlics and onions in a pot," Violet read "and then add olives, capers, anchovies, diced parsley and tomatoes to simmer,"

"We still need the pasta,"

"I believe my father has a pasta machine in his kitchen, but it looked broken," Fia explained

"I think I can fix it," Violet said "Justice Strauss?"

"Yes?" she asked

"Is there a supermarket nearby?"

"Oh...no. But there is a local open-air market and gin distillery. I'll take you," she said and they headed onto the trolley.

"Thanks for taking us. I don't know what we would have done without you,"

"Oh, you're resourceful children. I daresay you would have thought of something. I think it's nice that you're cooking dinner for Count Olaf and your new theatrical family. I had dreams of becoming an actress, you know. An actress and a mother, instead of ending up as a world-renowned member of the judiciary..and in a series of strained, platonic relationships," Fia noticed the Baudelaires glance onto the beach, a moment interrupted when Justice Strauss asked "Baudelaires? I always find cooking for family to be something of a mitzvah. Do you know what that means?"

"Commandment?" Klaus asked

"Blessing. You children have had such sorrow in your lives already, you deserve the blessing of a new family with Count Olaf and Fia, and, if you don't mind my saying so...with me,"

Klaus chuckled "We don't mind your saying so," Fia looked down sadly.

Klaus, Violet, and Fia each carried a bag of groceries, as Violet carried Sunny as well. "Klaus, what's that thing James Brown said?"

"'I feel good'," Count Olaf said as he went down the stairs.

"Oh no," Fia muttered as an accordion began playing.

"And a one, and a two, and a…"

It's the count, it's the count

It's the count. It's the count, it's the count

It's the count.

Who else has such robust good looks

In such a large amount?

I'm handsome and I'm talented

And love your bank account

It's the count, it's the count

It's the count

It's the count, it's the count

It's the count

The 'C' is for courageous

Just another word for brave

O!

Oh, my God

What a very handsome knave

U!

Unbelivable good looks

And brains and heart

N!

For the knowledge

'Cause I'm very, very smart

T!

For the talent

Which is such a crucial factor

When you're handsome and good-looking

And the world's greatest actor

It's the count, it's the count

It's the count

It's the count, it's the count

It's the count

Who else has such robust good looks

In such a large amount?

I'm handsome and I'm talented

And love your bank account

It's the count, it's the count

It's the count

It's the count, it's the count

It's the count

A cymbol crashed signaling the thankful end of the song.

The count

"Yes, we've met," Violet said

"Orphans..." Count Olaf cleared his throat as he panted "...this is my theater troupe,"

"Hi," the troupe greeted

"And as anyone in the theater knows, after a grand entrance, the audience is supposed to applaud,"

"'Applaud' means go like this," Hookman hit his hooks together

"We're not an audience," Klaus siad

"No, orphans, you are not. But we have been preparing an exciting new productiong that, on opening night, will change your life. All of the artistic and financial aspects of my career are finally coming together like two pieces of bread in the middle of a sandwich,"

"Bread goes on the outside of a sandwich," Sunny babbled

"What my sister means is that-" Klaus began

"I don't care what she means. I don't have time to learn a second language besides whatever it is I'm speaking right now. In any case, we demand congratulatinons,"

"Congratulations," they both said

Count Olaf sighed, becoming annoyed "Father, I believe the Baudelaire's were so enamoured by your performance that when it was over they forgot to applaud," Fia looked to the Baudelaire's and they nodded applauding their hands together.

"And the delicious meal that you promised myself and my troupe,"

"We need a few minutes, you scoundrel," Sunny babbled

"You know, every time she talks, it's like the tines of a fork are being jammed into my-"

Once again Fia interrupted him "Dinner will be served shortly,"

"What are we supposed to do until then?"

"We could wait patiently," one member said

"May I reccomend some wine?" Fia asked

"Yes, yes, wine." one lady sister said "We had that nice rose last time,"

"It wasn't rose, it was just watered down," her sister argued

"Okay, fine." Count Olaf sighed "Fia open up a box of the Merlote," Fia nodded and headed off.

Brillat-Savarin famously said, "To invit people to dine with us is to make ourselves responsible for their well-being as long as they are under our roofs." But he was an 18th century philoshopher and gourmand...and these were three children with very little catering experience. Nevertheless, the Baudelaire orphans snapped into action.

"This pasta maker reminds me of the one built by Thomas Jeffferson," Violet explained as she got to work with the pasta maker

"Will it work?" Klaus asked

"It will now," she replied as she turned the handle

"I wonder if Count Olaf's troupe will enjoy this meal,"

"Mother said actors will eat anything,"

"You've seen them perform. Would you call them actors?"

"They're all as talented as Count Olaf,"

While they waited for the pasta to boil, Violet sauteed the garlic, and washed and chopped the anchovies. Klaus peeled the tomatoes and pitted the olives. And Sunny banged on a pot with a wooden spoon, singing a rather repetitive song she had written herself. By the time it was time for the youngest Baudelaire to chop the parsley with her teeth...all three children felt less miserable than they had...since they first came to Count Olaf's.

"I think Dad would be proud of this sauce," Violet proclaimed

"And I think Mom would be proud of how you made your own pasta," Klaus told her

Violet chuckled "Maybe we can make this our home after all. Remember what Father said when he burnt the quesadillas?"

"Yeah. 'Better than nothing.',"

Count Olaf sat at the head of the table, the troupe around him as Fia stood behind him. "At times like these, surrounded by colleagues and cohorts, gathered in fellowhip for the purpose of plotting theater, there's an eternal question that always springs to mind...when are we going to eat?"

Fia looked fearful, until the kitchen door opened and the Baudelaire's stood "Dinner is served," Klaus proclaimed

"Wow, that quick," the bald member said

"And it smells delicious," Hook man admitted until Count Olaf groaned "I mean.." he huffed

"As I was saying, before the help interrupted...there is no 'I' in acting…" the Baudelaire's went around serving plates "no selfish urges, no arrogance, no ego, no vanity, no dangerous over abundance of inflated self-regard. There is only what the French call a certain… 'escargot.',"

"Mmm-hmm," the bald man said

"It is the first burst of applause when the curtain rises. The second burst of applause when the leading man glides out from the wings, faces his crowd and recites the-"

"Soliloquy,"

Count Olaf sighed "I'm...That's...His soliloquy. It is the thrill of th 14th mandatory standing ovation. I give and I give to my public. Just as I give and I give to my daughter and these orphans." he held out his cup and Fia filled it. "But sometimes, and every actor does this, I ask myself, 'Is it worth it? Is it really worth it to chase an enormous fortune?'"

Hook man cleared his throat "Boss…"

Count Olaf looked next to him to see Klaus and Fia standing there. "Where's the roast beef?"

"What?" Violet asked

"The roast beef,"

"We didn't make any roast beef. We made puttanesca sauce,"

"And homemade pasta," Klaus added

"What? No roast beef?" Count Olaf argued

"You didn't tell us you wanted roast beef," Fia told him

"Look at my guests! They...they can hardly touch this revolting foreign food," all the troupe members spat out the pasta. "In agreeing to adopt you, I became your father. And as your father, I am not someone to be trifled with,"

"You can't go easy on children." Hook Man claimed "They need to be taught to obey their elders,"

"You asked them to make dinner," a lady said

"And all they did was slap together some disgusting sauce," her sister added

"That's what happens with wealthy kids. Money is really a corrupting influence," the guy troupe member stated

"Well let's not get carried away," Count Olaf said

The Bald man leaned towards Violet "Hmm. You're a pretty little one,"

"I deman that you serve roast beef to myself and my guests!"

"We don't have any." Fia explained "They made pasta puttanesca,"

"And chocolate pudding for dessert," Sunny babbled

Count Olaf grabbed Sunny "Sunny!" Violet shouted

"Put her down," Klaus ordered

Count Olaf chuckled deviously "Alas, poor Sunny,"

Sunny began crying "let her go!" Violet shouted as Olaf lifted Sunny into the air

"This table is a mess. There's hardly a place to put down a baby," he put her on a silver tray and placed it in the middle of the table. "We're leaving for rehearsals,"

"But the baby said there was chocolate pudding!" Hook Man pouted

"Shh!" Bald man told him

"You children are to clean the table," Count Olaf ordered "and wash the dishes, and polish the silver, and rinse out all the wine bottles for recycling. And then you are to go straight to your beds,"

"You mean our bed?" Klaus challenged "You've only provided us with one bed,"

"If you want another bed, tomorrow you may go into town and purchase one,"

"You know perfectly well we haven't any money,"

"Hmm. Of course you do. You three lucky orphans are inheriting an enormous fortune,"

"The money our parents left behind is not to be used until Violet-" Fia saw it happen in slow motion and moved herself in the way as Count Olaf slapped her across the face instead of Klaus. Violet gasped as Fia fell and hit the wall.

"The theater awaits," Count Olaf said and the troupe quickly left the table.

"Are you all right?" Klaus asked as he, Violet and Sunny moved to check on Fia.

"No." she whimpered "And you don't have it…"

"Have what?" Violet asked

"My blessing. What Justice Strauss was talking about. You don't have my blessing to be a part of this family, because there isn't even a family!" Fia explained as she looked up at the Baudelaires "But I do hope that we can be friends," Violet and Klaus both smiled at her as they helped her off the floor.

There are many, many things that are better than nothing. A home-cooked meal is better than nothing. A roof over one's head is better than nothing. And a place to sleep, even if the bed is very small and the blanket damp with tears, is better than nothing. But being raised in a violent and sinister environment by a man more interested in one's fortune than comfort and well-being is not better than nothing. And as the Baudelaires would discover, there are some things that even a long night of introspection cannot change.


	2. Chapter 2

The Bad Beginning: Part 2

"Put some elbow grease into it!" Count Olaf ordered as he watched the children as he watched the children chop wood.

Violet sighed "Mr. Poe must have made a horrible mistake when he took us here. There's no way our parents would want us in Count Olaf's care,"

"If you can even call it that," Fia huffed

"As soon as Count Olaf's back is turned, we need to leave this house. I'd rather take my chances on the streets than stay here any longer,"

"Who know what would happen to us on the street?" Violet said "At least here we have a roof over our head,"

"Don't think you can call it a roof, either," Fia muttered

Klaus sighed "I wish our parents' moveny could be used now, instead of when you come of age,"

Violet sighed as Klaus continued.

"Then we could buy a castle and live in it with armed guards patrolling outside to keep out Count Olaf and his troupe."

Fia frowned hearing this.

"With a large inventing studio," Violet described.

"And a library," Klaus chuckled.

"And chewable objects," Sunny babbled.

"And of course an extra room for Fia," Klaus said causing the brunette to look up at him.

"Really?" Fia asked.

Klaus smiled at her "Even you shouldn't be left with him,"

Fia smiled at him.

"Hurry up. There's reupholstering to be done," Count Olaf called out as they continued with the wood.

"Justice Strauss said her home was always open to us," Violet mentioned.

"She said her legal library was always open to us. It's not the same thing," Klaus told her.

"Besides it directly across the street from here, my father will immediatley know where we are," Fia mentioned.

"Mr. Poe did say we could contact him if we had any questions," Violet continued.

"We don't really have a question. We have a complaint," the children all looked over at Count Olaf as the bald man walked out.

"Can I warm that up for you?" The bald man asked Count Olaf "And also give you some very bad news?"

"What is it?" Count Olaf asked him.

"It's that secretary…"

"Shh! Not here,"

They both headed inside.

* * *

"Mr. Poe!" The Baudelaire's exclaimed as they walked into the bank.

"Baudelaires," he greeted.

"We need to talk to you it's an emergency!" Violet exclaimed.

"Of course, but your friend will have to wait outside…" Mr. Poe looked at Fia "I'm sure you understand, confidentiality,"

"She…" Klaus started.

"It's fine," Fia told him "I understand. I'll be out here," she watched as they walked into Mr. Poe's office.

"Well, well, well...what do we have here?"

Fia looked up as she saw the Hook man behind her. She ran for the door, but he easily caught her with one of his hook hands. "Put. Me. Down!"

"Daddy's not going to be happy with you," hearing that Fia couldn't help but cower as Hookman led her away, Fia turned around to watch Mr. Poe's door grow smaller, hoping the Baudelaire's would be able to get themselves out of her father's house.

* * *

"Shall I let her off the hook?" Hook man asked as Fia stood in front of her father.

Count Olaf motioned for her to be released and Fia was pushed into a chair. "I spent all morning making these cupcakes for you and the Baudelaire's,"

"They're store bought," Fia muttered.

"Aren't raspberries delicious?" he asked as he put icing on his finger "They were my favorit berry when I was your age." he stood up and walked around the table to be behind Fia "I want to talk to you about something. I recently received a call from Mr. Poe,"

"Is that so? I'm sorry Mr. Poe bothered you,"

Count Olaf chuckled "I'm glad he did, because I want the Baudelaire's to feel more at home here, now that I am their father. As you know, I have been working hard with my theater troupe, and I'm afraid I may have acted a bit standoffish,"

_The word "standoffish" is a wonderful one, but it does not describe Count Olaf's behavior towards me and the Baudelaire's. "Standoffish" refers to a person who, for various reasons, is not associating with others. It is a word which might describe somebody who, during a party, might stand in a corner instead of talking to another person. It would not describe somebody who provides one bed for four people to sleep in, forces them to do horrible chores and strikes them across the face._

"Therefore…" Count Olaf claimed.

_There are many words for people like that._

"...to make them feel a little more at home here…"

_But "standoffish" isn't one of them._

"...I want them to participate in my next play,"

"What are you planning?" Fia seethed.

"I'm…" Count Olaf chuckled only to cough as he stood on the table in front of Fia "The play is called The Marvelous Marriage, and is by the great playwright Al Funcoot. We will give only one performance, this Friday night. It tells the story of a very handsome and good-looking man,"

"Let me guess...played by you?" Fia asked sarcastically.

Count Olaf glowered at his daughter "Klaus, Sunny, and you will play three cheering people in the crowd,"

"But we're shorter than most adults. Won't that look strange to the audience?"

"They'll be playing two midgets as you play the mute,"

"And what will Violet do? Build the sets?"

Count Olaf chuckled "Build the sets? Oh, heavens, no."

"Violet is very good with tools,"

"A pretty girl like herself shouldn't be working backstage,"

"I'm sure she'd prefer to,"

"Fia, Fia, Fia. Violet will be playing the young woman I marry. It's a very important role although she only has one line, and I think you know what it is,"

"'I do," Fia whispered "Father...I'm not sure she's talented enough to perform professionally. I'd hate for her to disgrace your good name and the name of Al funcoot. Plus, she'll be very busy the next few weeks working on her inventions. And learning how to prepare roast beef,"

Count Olaf jumped off the table and leaned close to Fia "She will participate in my theatrical performance! I would prefer it if they participate voluntarily, but as I believe Mr. Poe has explained to them, I can act loco parentheses,"

"In loco parentis," Fia corrected.

"Poco De Laurentiis,"

"In loco parentis,"

"The point is, I can order you and the Baudelaire's to participate, and you all must obey. Now go, I can't stand looking at you anymore," Fia hurried out of the room to run into the Baudelaire's, she quickly grabbed their hands.

"Fia?" Klaus asked.

"You need to come with me,"

* * *

"What good would it be to be in a performance of The Marvelous Marriage?" Klaus asked once Fia explained what her father had told her previously.

Violet rang the doorbell.

_Marriage is like sharing a root beer float, or agreeing to be the back half of a horse costume. Even when it's happening onstage, you should only do it with the people you love._

"No answer," Violet said and they headed into the library.

"Baudelaires! Fia!" Justice Strauss gasped as the children entered the library "I'm so happy to see you. Are you here to continue your research?"

"Actually, Justice Strauss, we're here to research something else," Fia told her.

"Do you have any books on the theater?" Violet asked.

Justice Strauss led them to a corner "Ah, the theater. I see you're settling in to having an actor for a guardian. I have quite the interest in theater, you know. Learning lines and curtseying for the audience and wearing costumes. I would give up every last wig just to wear a costume,"

"Justice Strauss, do you have anything on local ordinances?" Klaus asked and she led him to another part of the room.

"Ah, local ordinances." she looked at Klaus confused "Wait, are you sure? Even I don't like reading such books, and I work at the High Court,"

"I'm actually considering a career in law. I find those books quite fascinating,"

"Well, to each his own. There are countless types of books in this world, which makes good sense because there are countless types of people. Sunny, would you like to come with me into the garden while your siblings tackle all this reading?Fia, what's happened to your face?"

Fia looked between the Baudelaire's. "That's what we're trying to find out," she told Justice Strauss.

"Well, I do have a section on rashes. It's right next to Chinese cars,"

"Justice Strauss, may I ask you something?" Klaus called out.

"Certainly,"

Fia couldn't help but smile when Justice Strauss put Sunny into her hands.

"Oh, there we go, sweet girl. Good. Yes, as one legal scholar to another?"

* * *

"'The only nuptial requirements are a statment of active acquiescence by both participants, utilizing in loco parentis if necessary, and the signing of an explanatory document in the bride's own hand.'" Klaus looked at Fia "Does that mean what I think it means?"

"It means you're going to be a star," Count Olaf declared as he walked into the library.

"Oy," Sunny babbled.

"Count Olaf!" Justice Strauss greeted.

"Please, call me your guardian actor." he bowed "Justice Strauss, you are about to find your drab, legal beagle existence transformed into something mind-blowing, and yet extremely classy when you become the exciting new face of the next Count Olaf production,"

"You mean…" Justice Strauss stammered.

"You have got the star quality necessary for a small walk-on role in Al Funcoot's new play,"

Justice Strauss gasped "I've wanted to be an actress since I was young. Although, my drama teacher told me my chances were slim because of my posture, and so I went into law, but now-"

"Now, you can see it." Count Olaf twirled Justice Strauss "The curtain rises,"

"Curtain?"

"The audience applauds,"

"Audience!"

"And you walk onto stage, dressed as a judge,"

"A judge!" Justice Strauss whispered with excitment.

"It's a very important part, although you won't be listed in the program. You will stand in front of a very handsome man, played by me…"

"I get to share the stage with Count Olaf?"

Count Olaf chuckled as he grabbed Violet "...while a stunningly-costumed bride, played by Violet, stands beside me,"

"You are so luck, Violet," Justice Strauss told her "All my life I wanted to be a bride, but it seems all the men I meet are intimidated by my law degree, or obsessed with model trains,"

Count Olaf placed a hanky on Violet's head "A gorgeous bridal dress of my own design…" Violet pulled it off "...while you perform the entire wedding ceremony, getting each and every word exactly right, while we sign a document which you shall bring from city hall for added realism,"

"Justice Strauss," Fia exclaimed "he's up to something,"

Count Olaf glared at her "What I am up to is making Justice Strauss' dreams come true,"

"Oh," Justice Struass said.

"You will suddenly find yourself in the enviable position of being a struggling actress in middle age,"

"It's almost too good to be true,"

"It is." Fia exclaimed "Justice Strauss. My father is-"

"Your father is welcoming the Baudelaire's into his life by making them an important part of this theatrical enterprise," she ushered them out of the library "Children, go. Go home. Spend some time with your new father," Count Olaf hissed grabbing Fia by the arm and dragging her out. "Carpe diem!"

"Seize the children!" Count Olaf exclaimed.

"Seize the day,"

"I said day,"

* * *

The children pushed inside the house as Count Olaf closed the door behind them.

"Boss," hookman greeted "I have three kinds of butter cream icing here for you to sample. One's vanilla, one has a hint of nutmeg and the other's a little lemony,"

"I told you never to say that word," Count Olaf told him at the mention of 'Lemony'. He pushed the orphans towards hookman and took the platter "Take these orphans upstairs to their bedroom until Friday. I have no use for them until then,"

"Uh, except to cook dinner,"

"Fia will do it,"

"We're gonna find out just what you're up to, Count Olaf," Violet told him.

"We know you're just trying to steal our parents' fortune," Klaus added "We're gonna prove it,"

"Let me eat cake,"

"You know the last person who said that was beheaded," Fia muttered.

Count Olaf ignored her as he sampled the cakes "Nice. Mm. Oh, my!"

Hookman pushed the Baudelaire's into their bedroom "Get into your pajamas and say your prayers, unless you're atheists,"

"You can't just keep us in here," Violet told him.

"You know who always says that? Prisoners,"

"Listen to us. Count Olaf is-" Klaus started.

"No, no, no, no. You listen to me, little boy and you listen very carefully. The only reason why Count Olaf hasn't torn you limb from limb is because he hasn't gotten a hold of your fortune. But you ask yourself this question, all of you: what reason would he have to keep you alive after he's got your money? What do you think will happen to you then?" Hookman chuckled softly. He slammed the door shut.

"This is terrible, terrible,"

"Awful," Violet agreed

"Gastly," Sunny babbled

"What's gonna happen?"

"I don't know. But I know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna stay up all night with a book," Klaus told her as he pulled a book from his shirt.

_Klaus was not reading for his own enjoyment, but to try to rescue his siblings and me from a terrible predicament. The book was not at all interesting. The book was long and difficult. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over. By night's end, Klaus had found out all he needed to know. His hopes rose with the dawn. Although, unfortunately...so did Count Olaf._

Klaus entered the dining room where Count Olaf sat at the table, as Fia stood behind him. Fia walked over to Klaus "What are you doing here?"

"Yo're supposed to be hin your room," Count Olaf told him.

"I was in my room all night, and I know what you're up to," Klaus told him.

"Me? I'm just having my morning coffee, although I can't seem to find the sugar bowl,"

Klaus opened up the book "'The only nuptial requirements are a statement of active acquiescence by both participants, utilizing in loco parentis if necessary, and the signing of an explanatory document in the bride's own hand.',"

"Let me give you a piece of advice. If you use fancy-pant words first thing in the morning, you're going to end up a very lonely man,"

"I figured out your scheme. You're not going to marry Violet figuratively. You're going to marry her literally,"

"Literally? That's outrageous. I...Wait. Literally? Literally,"

"He doesn't know the difference between figuratively and literally," Fia whispered to Klaus.

_It is very useful, whether one is young or in late middle age, to know the difference between literally and figuratively. "Literally" is a word which here means that something is actually happening, whereas "figuratively" is a word which means it just feels like it's happening. If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, that means that you are leaping through the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so hppy you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters._

"So literally would be an actual marriage, whereas figuratively would be marrying her for the purposes of theatrical entertainment," Klaus explained to Count Olaf.

"I knew that. I was testing you," Count Olaf said.

Fia rolled her eyes at his statment.

"If my sister say 'I do' and signs a piece of paper while Justice Strauss is in the room, she's legally married. This play won't be pretend. It'll be real and legally binding,"

"I wouldn't marry your sister if she were the last orphan on earth. A man like me can acquire any number of beautiful women who don't complain about doing their chores."

Fia laughed, but a glare from Count Olaf and she played it off as a cough.

"What's in it for me?"

Klaus sighed as he stood up and continued reading "'A legal husband has titular and practical control over any relevant fiducaiaries, resulting in aggregate financial dominion over any spousal holdings.',"

"I don't think a boy your age ought to be using the word 'titular'," Count Olaf snickered.

"If you became Violet's husband, you'd gain complete control over the Baudelaire fortune. But… 'A prospective spouse muct be chronologically sound and appropriate in regards to the age of consent according to prevailing community standards.'." Klaus closed the book "My sister isn't old enough to get married, even if she wanted to,"

Count Olaf scoffed as he leaned towards Klaus "Tell me, bookworm...can you name me a language that was spoken by ancient Romans and is still spoken by very irritating people today?"

"Latin,"

"That's right. And can you translate the Latin phrase 'in loco parentis'?"

"Acting in the role of parent,"

"That's right. And that's me. You see, Violet can get married if she has the permission of her legal guardian. And she does. In fact...she has more than permission. She has enthusiasm," Count Olaf chuckled.

"All the enthusiasm in the world won't get us to participate in your horrible plot! Mr. Poe will hear about this. Your play will not be performed, and you will go to jail!" Klaus grabbed Fia's hand and they walked out of the room.

_Here comes Count Olaf_

_Throw the rice pilaf_

"Excuse us," Klaus pushed past the singing troupe.

"Sorry to interrupt, everyone," Count Olaf said as he followed after the two children "but that brave and clever boy with the horrible glasses has just figured out our dastardly plan."

the troupe gasped.

"Yes. Thatnks to his stupendous library book, the orphans have achieved a grand victory over our evil ways,"

"Oh, no," a woman said.

"Whatever will we do?" her twin asked.

"I guess we will go to jail,"

"For a very long time,"

"I guess that proves reading really is fundamental," Fia smirked.

"Violet," Count Olaf said as he looked up at her and Klaus, standing on the stairs "do you think your booky little brother is very brave and clever?"

"His work speaks for itself," Violet replied.

"My father wants to marry you for real," Fia told her.

"While you and Justice Strauss and everyone else thinks it's just a play," Klaus finished.

"But I'm not old enough to get married," Violet explained.

"You can with the permission of your legal guardian,"

"In loco parentis," Fia and Klaus said at the same time.

"We have to get Sunny and get out of this wretched place," Violet told the duo as they hurried up the stairs.

"Sunny. Wake up," Klaus said.

"Sunny." the Baudelaire's pulled back the covers only to see the toddler was missing. "Where is she?"

"Where is she indeed? It certainly is so strange to find a child missing, and one so small, so helpless. When did you see her last?"

"What have you done with Sunny?" Fia asked.

"Here, Sunny, Sunny. Where are you, girl?" they all heard a cry "Did you hear that? It came from outside," the Baudelaire's hurried outside but Count Olaf stopped Fia. "Not you,"

* * *

"Sunny?" Violet called out as they went to the back yard.

"Oh, you're not looking in the right place," Count Olaf proclaimed "For children who read so much, you two are remarkably unintelligent,"

"She's not here,"

Count Olaf chuckled softly "Oh, don't look so down. I'd say things are looking up, up...up," his gaze went up to the roof, where Sunny hung in a cage.

"Oh, no," Klaus muttered.

"Let her go. She's done nothing to you," Violet said.

"She's an infant,"

"Well, if you really want me to let her go, I will. But even a stupid brat like you might realize that if I let her go, or more accurately, if I have my comrade let her go…"

Hookman waved "Hi,"

"Sunny might not survive the fall to the ground. That's a 30-foot tower, which is a very long way for a very small person to fall, even when she's inside a cage. But if you insist,"

"No, don't!" Klaus shouted.

"Please, she's just a baby." Violet told him "We'll do anything, anything. Just don't harm her,"

"Anything? Anything?" Count Olaf mocked "Would you, for instance, consider marrying me during tomorrow night's performance?"

"I would never, ever marry you,"

"Hmm," Count Olaf shook his head "Children...your sister is like a stick behind a stubborn mule,"

"My sister's not a stick," Klaus argued.

Count Olaf chuckled as he walked behind the two "Any animal owner will tell you that a stubborn mule will move toward the carrot because it wants the reward of food...and away from the stick because it wants to avoid the punishment of rump pain. Likewise, you will do what I say, to avoid the punishment of the loss of your sister and Fia."

Klaus glared at Count Olaf "What did you do to her?!"

Count Olaf only smiled "And because you want the reward of a charming husband." Count Olaf pushed Klaus aside "Come now. Would it be so terrible to be my bride, to live in my house for the rest of your life? You're such a lovely girl. After the wedding, I wouldn't dispose of you like your brother and sister,"

Violet sighed "If you let Sunny and Fia go...I will marry you,"

"Hmm,"

"Mazel tov," the Troupe cheered throwing rice at them.

"I will let Sunny and Fia go after tomorrow night's performance. Untile then, they will remain in the tower room for safekeeping." Count Olaf took Klaus's book away "That is all,"

"You're a terrible man." Klaus told him.

"I may be a terrible man, but I have concocted a foolproof way of getting your fortune. What have you done?"

Violet looked up at Sunny and tied her hair up with ribbon.

* * *

Klaus looked out the window "Fia must be so frightened,"

"We're all frightened, Klaus," Violet told him "You should get some sleep,"

"But you're dismantling my bed,"

"Use Fia's. You stayed up all last night trying to find out Count Olaf's plot. It's my turn,"

Klaus took a seat on the bed "I didn't help us,"

Violet took a seat next to him "Yes, you did. You just didn't finish the job." Violet sighed "Remember when our parents first brought Sunny home?"

"She bit the doorknob off the nursery,"

"Mother and Father...they made me promise to always look after you two and make sure you don't get into any trouble. Let me keep my promise,"

_Having a brilliant idea isn't as easy as turning on a light. But just as a single bulb can illuminate even the most depressing of rooms, the right idea can shed light on a depressing situation. As inventing workshops go, Count Olaf's bathroom was small and dimly lit. But the inventing area in Violet's mind was large and bright...and inside of it was everything she needed._

"Oh, Olaf, that is perfect," a white-faced woman complimented as he twirled around in a wedding dress "It's so wonderful that, in addition to your many talents, you have a marvelous eye for fashion,"

"Without being a sissy," her sister added.

"Without being a sissy,"

Clattering was heard upstairs.

"What was that?" Count Olaf asked

"I think what's-his-name is shaving,"

"Right. Tell me if this is too much. Baby's breath,"

"I thought you were marrying the older one," The sister claimed.

"No. No, sprigs of baby's breath in Violet's hair,"

"Oh!" They both exclaimed

* * *

Turns out the noise outside was Violet, tossing her makeshift grappling hook onto the ledge where Sunny and Fia were being kept. Once hooked Violet took out her controller "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious," Violet quoted as she pressed the button and began to rise above the ground "It is the source of all true art and science," But once up close to Sunny she saw the hookman looking at her.

"How pleasant that you could join us," Hookman said as he pulled her into the tower.

"What are you gonna do with me?" Violet asked.

"I said have a seat,"

"No, you didn't," Fia told him only to flinch as Hookman shouted.

Hookman pressed a button on his walkie-talkie "Hello?" Count Olaf said.

"Boss, it's me," Hookman said.

"Who? Be specific,"

"Me. Your henchman with the-"

"Hand problem?"

"Yeah,"

"What do you want?"

"Your blushing bride just climbed up here to try and rescue the biting brat and Fia,"

"Well, how'd she do that?"

"Oh, I don't know,"

"Well, take a guess,"

"Um...Well, some sort of, uh-"

"Some sort of what?"

"Uh, ropey thing,"

"It was a grappling hook," Violet explained.

"She says it was a grappling hook,"

"Where'd she get a grappling hook?" Count Olaf asked.

"I don't know, boss,"

"She's mine,"

"No, yes, boss, of course. I understand she's yours,"

"Stay there. I'll be right up,"

"Uh...okay,"

"Goodbye,"

"Over and out,"

"Over? What is that supposed to mean?"

"Over and out? Oh, um…" Hookman chuckled "I mean. I think it's-"

"It's what?"

"It's kind of an...a, uh…"

"Kind of an a what?"

"Walkie-talkie slang for goodbye,"

"Say that,"

"I'm sorry. Okay, fine. Yeah,"

"Well, for God….See you soon,"

"Okay. Goodbye," Violet and Fia shared an unamused look "Count Olaf is very displeased with his bride,"

"I'm not his bride," Violet argued

"Oh, very soon you will be. Which means that I will soon be your henchperson-in-law,"

* * *

"Klaus!" Fia shouted as he was dragged up the hatch door by Count Olaf.

Before she could go to him Count Olaf grabbed her and put her in the opposite side of the tower. "Sit," he growled as he turned to the Baudelaires "You know, some people say that the hardest job in the world is raising a child,"

"You raised me?" Fia quipped.

"Quiet. But it is nothing compared to conceiving, writing, directing, producing and performing in a theatrical presentation for the purposes of stealing their dead parents' fortune. It's a very difficult job, and I will not have any orphans or my own daughter mucking it up,"

"You'll never touch our fortunE," Klaus exclaimed.

"Klaus…" Count Olaf placed a hand on Fia's shoulder "I'll touch whatever I want," they watched as Hookman locked the window. Count Olaf handed Fia over to Hookman who pushed her down the stairs. Count Olaf chuckled as he took out an hourglass "When the sand runs out in the... um...whatchamacallit…"

"Hourglass!" Fia shouted up at him.

"Shut up!" he looked back at the Baudelaries as he put a hand on the trap door to close it "your sister will be married to me."

Klaus went to the barred window "What happened? Why are we up here?"

"Tried to rescue Sunny and Fia using an invention of mine to climb up the tower," Violet explained.

"It's so high. You must have been terrified,"

"It's not as scary as the thought of marrying Count Olaf,"

"I'm sorry it didn't work,"

"The invention worked fine. I just got caught. We've got to rescue Sunny and Fia and get out of here before the sand runs out of the hourglass,"

They looked back only to see the sand had already run out.

The trap door opened and Count Olaf stuck his head back up "I didn't realize the sand went so quickly. I bought it online. You're gonna need to flip it a couple of times, like, okay? And don't touch the baby!" he slammed the door shut again.

"It's gonna be okay, Sunny,"

"Just hang in there," Klaus told her.

"Seriously?!" Sunny babbled.

"It's okay. He didn't mean it as a joke," VIolet explained.

"Do you think you could invent something to help us escape?"

Violet looked around the tower "Maybe. Do you think you could research a way to get us out of the wedding?"

"Maybe," he took notice of a piece of paper crumpled up next to the wine bottles and went to pick it up.

"If we had kerosene, we could make Molotov cocktails with those old wine bottles,"

"What are Molotov cocktails?"

"They're small bombs. If we throw them out the window, we could attract attention. But we don't have any kerosene," Violet took her hair out of its ponytail.

"If you don't say 'I do' and you don't sign the document with your own hand, then you won't be legally married. But then Olaf will drop Sunny off the tower and do who knows what to Fia,"

"Certainly would." Count Olaf proclaimed as he emerged "Come, orphans. It's time for the big event. My associate here…"

Hookman appeared next to him "Hello, good to see you again,"

"...will stay with your sister and we will be in constant contact with the use of these walkie-talkies. If anything goes wrong during tonight's performance, your sister will be dropped to her death. Shall we?"

Violet reached out to Sunny "We'll be back soon, Sunny,"

"Don't worry," Klaus told her.

"Yeah right," Sunny babbled.

"Come on," Hookman told them as he pushed them to the door.

* * *

"Count Olaf, Eleanora Poe, from the Daily Punctilio. Taking the role of a handsome man is certainly a brave choice,"

"You're preaching to the choir," Fia muttered but Eleanora Poe didn't seem to notice the comment.

"Is it a stretch for you?"

"Well, as an actor, I think live theater is a much more powerful medium then, say, streaming television," Count Olaf replied.

"And how do you respond to rumors that this whole production is nothing more than an evil plot?"

Count Olaf looked down at Fia, who looked innocently away "Evil plot? The only evil plot going on is the one you'll see on stage,"

"Take your seats," The bald man told the reporters.

"All right, curtain 8:00 p.m,"

"Check," his minion replied.

"Intermission, 9:15,"

"Check,"

"Act two, 9:30, unless concession sales are strong,"

"Check,"

"The wedding will be around 10:00 p.m., followed by champagne toasts, reception with cake and finger food, then the after-party at the Mexican place,"

"Check,"

"You two will stay right here until the wedding scene. Any sort of funny business, and it's curtains for your baby sister. You see, 'curtains' means that your sister will be dropped out of the window, but it's also a sort of play on theatrical curtains,"

"One minute to curtain," a henchperson called out.

"You look great," Bald man told Count Olaf as he, Fia, and Justice Strauss entered the backstage.

Fia dressed in a flower girl outfit.

"Don't distract me with idle chatter." Count Olaf told him "I'm trying to get into character. Now, Justice Whatever, sit here until the wedding scene. Remember, you must use the exact same wording you use in an actual wedding. Get it absolutely right. There's talent scouts in the audience looking for new actresses about your age,"

Justice Strauss gasped "Talent scouts! Oh, my!"

"Justice Strauss, may we speak to you?" Fia asked.

"Fia, I need to talk to you," Klaus whispered, but the two got distracted when Justice Strauss shouted.

"Don't distract me with idle chatter. I am trying to get into character," Just Strauss exclaimed.

"I'm sorry what did you want to talk about?" Fia asked.

"Fia…" Klaus started.

"Change of plans." Count Olaf grabbed both Justice Strauss and Fia "Sit here. Don't distract her." he glared at Klaus "And don't talk to her."

Fia looked at him apologetically

"Your better side. Rubber baby, baby, bay. Rubber baby…"

Fia rolled her eyes as Count Olaf begn his vocalizing excercises.

"Rubber baby, baby…" he blew a raspberry "Rubber baby, baby, baby."

"Rubber baby, baby, baby." Justice Strauss copied.

"Rubber baby, baby, baby,"

"Showtime," a henchperson told him.

"All right, all right,"

"All right, all right," Justice Strauss copied again.

"Rubber bubber...Baby bubber,"

"Rubber bubber…"

* * *

Count Olaf went on stage "Here I am, literally standing at the edge of a pond. What is a very handsome man like me to do about it...except perform a lengthy soliloquy?"

* * *

"Please lady pharos, I am very handsome, but I am only one man," Count Olaf said.

One of the woman came up next to him "By the waters of the Nile, this very handsome man shall be mine,"

Her sister came up on his other side "By the shape of the pyramids, I'll kill you if I can't have him,"

"He's so handsome," they both proclaimed.

* * *

"Please, Duchess. I am very handsome, but I am only one man,"

"By the turrets of Gravelstein, this very handsome man shall be mine," the white faced woman proclaimed.

"By the Gardens of Worthington, if I can't have him, my heart will literally break," her sister argued.

* * *

"Why, what handome adventures I have had, only to end up at this same pond on this...my wedding day!"

Fia, Klaus, and Violet were pushed out onto stage.

"Fia I really need to talk to you," Klaus muttered as she put flowers on the stage.

"As much as I would love to chat, Klaus, we can't with my father watching," she told him.

"But that's what I need to talk to you about!" before anymore could be said, Klaus and her had reached center stage where Count Olaf bowed to Violet.

"Say your line." Count Olaf whispered to Justice Strauss.

"Do you...take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" Justice Strauss asked.

Count Olaf sighed as he took the paper and quill pen from her and signed the document. "I do,"

"Do you take this woman..."

"Man,"

"Debatable," Fia muttered causing the audience laughed.

"Man." Justice Strauss said "Do you take this man...to be your lawfully wedded husband?" Justice Strauss handed Violet the document and pen.

The children looked at Count Olaf who held up the walkie-talkie.

As Violet signed the document, Fia placed her hand in Klaus's who squeezed it to comfort her.

"I do," Violet replied softly.

Count Olaf chuckled as Justice Strauss continued "By the powers vested in me by going to law school, I now pronounce you Count and Countess,"

"Mazel tov," the white faced women cheered.

When Count Olaf went to kiss Violet, Fia let go of Klaus's hand to pull Violet away.

"Okay," Count Olaf sighed as he danced to the music before chuckling deviously, cutting off the music "Ladies and gentlement, I'd like to make an announcement. There is no need to continue with tonight's performance," he took off his powdered wig "For its purpose has been served. This has not been a scene of fiction. My marriage to Violet Baudelaire is perfectly legal, and I am now in control of her entire fortune,"

The audience gasped at the revelation.

"That can't be true!" Justice Strauss exclaimed.

"On the contrary, Judgikins, the law of the land clearly states that the bride must say 'I do' and sign the appropriate document in her own hand. And all of you, ladies and gentlemen, are witnesses,"

"Violet is only a child." Mr. Poe argued "She's not old enough to marry,"

"She is if her legal guardian allows it. And in addition to being her husband, I am also her legal guardian,"

"But that piece of paper's not an official document," Justice Strauss argued "It's...it's just a stage prop,"

"If you look closely enough, I think you'll see that it is figuratively real,"

"Literally," Klaus and Fia told him.

"I said literally,"

Justice Strauss inspected the document "I'm afraid this marriage is entirely binding. Violet...you said 'I do' and signed this paper in your own hand. Count Olaf, you are now Violet's legal husband,"

"And?"

"And a vile and terrible person,"

"A vile and terrible person who is in complete control of the Baudelaires' entire fortune,"

"This is absolutely horrendous." Mr. Poe exclaimed "I won't allow it!"

"I'm afraid there's nothing you can do,"

"Count Olaf is correct." Just Strauss explained "This marriage is legally binding,"

Fia looked at Klaus "I am so sorry,"

"It was child's play, winning this fortune. And now, a reception to celebrate my special day. Hit it!"

"Stop." Klaus ordered "First, let Sunny go,"

"Where is Sunny?" Justice Strauss asked.

"I'm afraid she's tied up at the moment, if you'll forgive my little joke," Count Olaf chuckled until Fia stamped on his foot, causing him to spit out his drink.

"You promised to let her go!" Fia shouted.

"Oh, and what kind of father would I be if I didn't keep my promises?"

Klaus moved Fia behind him before Count Olaf could touch her.

"Drop the pip-squeak to her death,"

"No," Violet gasped only for them to turn when they heard Sunny babble off the stage.

Count Olaf took the duct tape off Hookman's mouth "You idiot! What are you doing?"

"Well, I had to bring her here. She had a straight flush,"

Count Olaf sighed as he knelt next to Sunny "So, you escaped, you little dishrag. Well, I'm still married to Violet, and I will dispense with you on our honeymoon," he walked over to Violet "Care to dance, Countess?"

"I'm not a Countess." Violet told him "At least I don't think I am,"

"And why not, pray tell?"

"I didn't sign the document in my own hand, as the law states,"

"Don't lie to me, orphan. Everyone saw you,"

"Yes, there were several hundred witnesses, not to mention those on the mezzanine," Justice Strauss explained.

"But I'm right-handed," Violet explained "and I signed the document with my left hand,"

"Well, that doesn't count," Count Olaf scoffed "You're just being a sore loser and trying to ruin my special day,"

"With all due respect," Fia stated "I think Justice Strauss ought to tell us if it counts,"

"That's right," Justice Strauss exclaimed "That's right. I should tell you. I am a judge. Let me think...I don't know,"

"What?" The audience exclaimed.

"You should never be afraid to admit that you don't know something." Justice Strauss told them "This is a very complicated case. It would take a formidable legal scholar to solve it,"

Fia nudged Klaus.

"May I have a blackboard, please?" Klaus asked.

Fia ran off to the side of the stage and rolled one out to him.

"In the respected legal tome, Nuptial Law, John Locke's 1690s groundbreaking work is cited, postulating that the law of the land rests on the…"

_As you can well imagine, Klaus' legal argument had all the apocryphal insight of Thurgood Marshall and the moral aplomb of Ida B. Wells, a phrase which here means it was thoroughly impressive and utterly convincing._

"And so, as Martin Luther King said, 'Morality cannot be legilated, but behavior can be regulated. Judicial decrees may not change the heart…"

"But they can restrain the heartless.'" he and Justice Strauss quoted.

"Ah! That moral argument had all the apocryphal insight of Thurgood Marshall and the moral aplomb of Ida B. Wells. It was thoroughly impressive and utterly convincing. And I am happy to say that because Violet, who is right-handed, signed the document with her left hand, the marriage is invalid," Justice Strauss ordered

"Well, you may not be my wife, but you are still my daughter," Count Olaf snarled.

"Do you honestly believe I will allow you to continue to care for these three children after the treachery I've seen here tonight? I'm even considering firing your associate as my secretary," Mr. Poe exclaimed.

"Hear, hear!" Jacquelyn cheered from the crowd.

"Jacquelyn, is that you? Where have you been?"

"I was kidnapped by Count Olaf's associates and tied to a tree before I could tell you that the Baudelaires' uncle, Dr. Montgomery, was designated by the parents as their legal guardian and has been waiting to hear from you,"

"Dr. Montgomery?" Violet asked.

"I've never heard of him," Klaus added.

"Well, you are hereby rehired as my secretary with an 8% increase in salary. The Baudelaires will be sent to a suitable guardian and this series of unfortunate events has come to a close,"

"No...it hasn't," Klaus said.

"What?"

"What about Fia?"

Count Olaf put a hand around Fia's arm "She's not an orphan. I'm her father by blood, the law can't take that away,"

"But she's not," Klaus took out a piece of crumpled paper "and I have the proof,"

Fia looked up at Count Olaf "Is this true?"

Count Olaf only sneered at Klaus, that Fia had enough strength to pull away from Count Olaf's grip and walked up to the Baudelaire's, but halfway to them the lights turned off. "I'll get my hands on their fortune and you if it's the last thing I do," Count Olaf said into her ear. "And when I have it and you, I will tear the Baudelaires from limb to limb,"

Fia jumped when the lights turned back on

"Not funny guys," a stage hand said.

"Olaf?" Mr. Poe called out "Olaf? Olaf! He's escaped!"

"Wait until the readers of the Daily Punctilio hear about this!" Mrs. Poe exclaimed.

"You have to capture!" Violet exclaimed "You have to go after him!"

"You let the authorities worry about that," Justice Strauss told them as she led Fia over to Klaus. "You children, come home with me,"

"Sorry, but the children, including Fia, must come with me." Mr. Poe said "I cannot allow the Baudelaires to be raised by someone who is not a relative,"

"But you allowed them to be raised by Count Olaf," Fia pointed out.

"After all Justice Strauss has done for us?" Violet asked.

"We never would've figured out Count Olaf's plan, of course Fia helped with that as well," Klaus mentioned.

"That may be so, but your parents' will is very specific," Mr. Poe told them.

"He's right," Jacquelyn agreed "There's a vigorously fixed destination your parents had in mind for you, and it is not with Count Olaf or Justice Strauss,"

"Well…" Justice Strauss said sadly as she hugged the three children. "Goodbye, children. I'll miss you very much,"

"We'll miss you, too," Klaus told her.

"Your dreams of being an actress put us in grave danger," Sunny babbled "But your heart was in the right place,"

"Come along, Fia, Baudelaires," Mr. Poe said.

Klaus walked over to Sunny to pick her up.

"Goodbye," Justice Strauss said to Sunny.

"Bye!" The four walked passed her.

_Some things in life are difficult to understand, even after years and years of thinking about 'em while wandering alone through desolate landscapes...usually during the off-season. The Baudelaires and I did not understand why were now off toward an unknown relative of theirs instead of living with Justice Strauss. But as with so many unfortunate events in life, just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean it isn't so._

"Usually, our theatrical reviews are the most boring part of the paper." Mrs. Poe explained in the car "But I bet you little stage hogs are about to make the front page again. The front page!" she laughed.

_It seemed to us the we were moving in an aberrant, a word which here means 'very, very wrong, and causing much grief,' direction._

Fia looked at the paper that Klaus had given her once they got in the car. "I never had a family…" she murmered "I'm an orphan,"

"You do have family," Klaus told her "Count Olaf must have burned that part of the document in case you ever found this. Besides you do have something…" he pointed to a pair of initials. "L.S,"


End file.
